Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Art of Waiting

Christmas is upon us.  I have one gift bought.  There is no tree in our apartment.  I have no idea what are travel plans are or if we're even able to.  Life is on hold right now.  That is how I feel.  I have been wrestling with wondering how much to share in this space.  I have dedicated it to being a place to record the memories of our life for our girls and to share with a few of you out there but I think it is important to be honest.  If you read our Facebook updates or the blog posts, you might think we're just sailing through and doing fine.  We are but there are moments that are tough.  Today is one.  It could be the cloudy, rainy weather which has caused me to open up here on this page.  It could be moments without kids or a husband who need me now more than ever which has been exhausting.  Whatever it is, I do feel led to be open and transparent.

Life is on hold and that is hard.  I have heard that Christmas is only 11 days away but who knows.  This is supposed to be our last semester in grad school but who knows.  Kev has tried to find a good job to support us but who knows.  We just can't seem to move forward right now because we are in a state of waiting.  Waiting is so hard.  Life with a 4 year old reminds me often that waiting is a learning process.  Wait to have that candy until later.  Wait for a new toy until Christmas.  Wait for a slumber party until things have slowed down.  Wait....  As an adult I can't throw myself on the floor, sobbing, and screaming, but that might actually feel sort of good...get it all out, right? 

We wait.  We wait for a phone call that will let us know the testing process is done and we have a date for a transplant.  This is the most important thing on our minds right now.

I wonder if our girls will remember that we didn't have a tree up until right before Christmas if we even get it up.  I wonder if they will remember the times when we've been short and impatient with them and each other.  I wonder if they will remember the tears and anxious conversations.  I hope they will remember the people who came alongside our family and helped us carry this load.  I hope they will remember hearing over and over, "He will never leave us, nor forsake us."  I hope they will remember how our needs were always met. I hope they will remember that they were loved beyond measure.

Last night we had a double date with some really great friends.  In the conversation we shared what God is teaching us right now.  The husband of the couple shared what he has been learning during the process of waiting for a job.  They too are in a waiting period.  He said that he didn't realize how much this waiting process would be a learning process for him to really believe that he and his family will be cared for, that their needs will be met and that the promises that can be a cliche at times, are true.

The dishes are piled up in my sink.  My husband is a ball of nerves and anxiety today.  I have lost my patience with my kids more times than I count going into this weekend.   BUT we are learning.  Kev is learning in a deep and rich way who Jesus was in the context of the Jewish culture and it is making it so much more clear and real to him.  I wish I could say I am learning something as heady but my lesson always goes back to trust.  TRUST Me.  I won't leave you or forsake you.

The rest of that verse says, "It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed."  Deuteronomy 31:8

He is before me.  He knows exactly when this will all happen.  He doesn't say, "Live this life on hold until you figure out your next step."  Wow!  He says He goes ahead of us and He is already there and here with us.  Because of NOT fear.  I have so much to learn. 

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

We had wished more than anything that this Christmas would be one involving a trip to the hospital for Kevin to receive the gift of a new kidney.  It does not appear that will happen so I will try to take a deep breath and create magic for our girls this year.  I will put my heart into it even though to be honest, my heart is not there.  More importantly, I will tell them how He is caring for our needs, how we do not need to fear.  I pray that of all the gifts they receive this year, that is the one that will stick with them for a lifetime.  

He's already there on that day when our family will receive one of the most incredible gifts of a lifetime....LIFE and it helps to know that His timing is in fact perfect.


Colleen said...

Wish I could give you a big hug and bring you a big Christmas tree! You all are still my my prayers.

Jaime said...

Minty, we love you. I wish we were there to give you hugs, a listening ear, food, babysitting, have my prayers always.

Christina said...

Me too - I wish I was closer so I could help with more than thoughts and prayers. Please know I'm here for you always too - I'm not as powerful, but love you dearly! xoxo

Melanie N. Brasher said...

Thank you for sharing, Mindy. Your words resonate with me as our family lives in limbo between the past and the future. It seems to me God's greatest blessings are in the waiting.

I'm praying this Christmas is filled with much joy and laughter and God's peace in the waiting.

Liz Notess said...

Thank you for your honesty and transparency. We are still trying to get our tree decorated, baking done, etc. I know a little of how you must be feeling.
Love, Liz