Monday, June 23, 2008

June 24, 2008

Dear Little One,
Today was a day that was supposed to be filled with great joy and excitement. We would either be holding you in our arms or anxiously awaiting your arrival. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be. You were not meant for us to hold in our arms, only in our hearts. Today quickly became a day that I began not looking forward to. The one final mark of your short existence. Today is the day that were you to be due but you have been gone now for just over 22 weeks and 4 days. I still find myself "feeling" you only to realize it can't be you. I guess these are what you would call phantom pains. June 1 the waves of grief came again. I thought I had moved on, but June was supposed to be full of last minute preparations and anticipation but now it is not. The tears have been flowing again from time to time. In a way, I am glad. I do not ever want to forget you. Remembering is hard though, because we will never hold you. We will never hear your first word. We will never see your smile. The list goes on and on. I have a beautiful box filled with the memory of you. It holds pajamas that a friend bought for you, a pair of horse slippers that someone else bought for you. It also holds the pregnancy journal that I had just started one week before we found out that we had lost you. There are also the many cards we received in the days following. The program from your burial service "In God's Hands" and the candle we were given is there also. On the days when I need to remember you, I will have that. I know where you are and that is my greatest sense of peace. You are being well cared for and loved beyond measure. I know that although my heart still aches for you. You will always have a piece of it. We love you.
Mama

Isaiah 43:1
"But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

If you have followed the Audrey Caroline story at all, you will remember the following song. It was written in honor of little Audrey's short life. It moved me to tears. The words are so precious to me.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

We are so sorry! I was just thinking today before I read this about you guys and your loss. We will not forget the little one in heaven either. We love the baby too because it is part of our family. We will be thinking of you guys during this time.
Love,
Lori, Steve and the kids

Joy ☺ said...

I love you mindums.

Krista said...

Mindy,

I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Krista

Holly said...

I wanted to thank you for mentioning the Audrey Caroline blog. I've been following it ever since you brought it up and it's been so insightful, inspiring, and healing to me! And I absolutely love the lyrics to "I Will Carry You" and find myself often repeating them! I remember well the approaching of our first baby's due date and feeling sadness that we wouldn't get to meet him/her. My mother in law had planted daffodils in memory of our baby and a week before the due date (April 8), everyone else's daffodils were in bloom, except for mine. I didn't understand why mine weren't blooming yet (and I even felt a little "rejected" at that). But on the morning of April 8, my daffodils were in full bloom. This was four years ago and it still brings tears, knowing that we have a God who cares and who is there to carry us. "I Will Carry You" has really helped me realize that it is FAR better for our babies to be with Him than with us (as much as it hurts!). Looking forward to the day we will be reunited with our little ones!!
Praying God's loving arms of comfort will envelope you!

Julie said...

Praying for you, Mindy. I've been thinking of you this month, and I've been praying God will still show reasons to rejoice!

Anonymous said...

I have been praying for you this week and remembering with you...I can't imagine your pain or emotions, but know that I care and am praying for God to fill you with His peace and hold you close to him...
Love, Tricia W