Friday, March 14, 2008

For Granted

Daddy has been busy recording a local band all week, so my computer time has been zilch. It has been nice to not find myself lost in blog reading for way too long, but I have missed being lost in blog reading for way too long. Ha! Now Daddy is at work and Peanut is sound asleep. We're still working out the glitches in the world of sleep and time changes. Oh boy!

Anyways...I did pick up my journal and start journaling again. I had not written in it since June. So it had been a while. There were some things on my mind that I needed to write down and I would like to share if that is ok with you.

Taking things for granted.
This past Wednesday Peanut and I made our weekly visit to Grandma and Grandpa's. As we sat down for coffee and cookies as we always do, Grandpa told me that Grandma is really beginning to fail more. The hospice nurse came to see her on Tuesday and told Grandpa that her breathing is labored and has slowed down quite a bit. She also has some rattling in her lungs. Grandpa is in a hard place as trying to get her to eat is very difficult but if he isn't able to get her to eat that will create more difficulties. Right now her diet consists of juice, nutritional drinks, poached eggs, yogurt, anything that is liquidy and will slide easily down. Even so, it is difficult for her to swallow these things. My mom was never a small person. Weight was always a struggle for her, so to see her now is difficult. Her legs and arms are just bone with skin draped on them.

Alzheimer's is an awful disease as are many of them. It has robbed my family of an amazing woman and friend...a woman with a quiet spirit and amazing talent such as writing, drawing, painting, gardening, cake decorating.

Going through our own personal loss I saw even more the fragility of life and that it should never be taken for granted. It is precious no matter how long or short a life is. Each moment should be lived because we do not know what His ultimate plan for life here is or how long that life will be.

I wish so much that things were different for Grandma. I want Cora to know her Grandma, for them to make cookies together, garden, decorate cakes, paint, to just be together. I hate the reality which is she will not know her (who she was) and may not even have a memory of her at all. It breaks my heart. I have wanted and needed her so often these last 10+ years of my life but Alzheimer's has robbed us of those times. There have been no phone calls, no lunch dates, no cards in the mail...the things that I took for granted for the first 20 years of my life.
My heart aches for my mom to see the state that she is in. I know the Lord will call her home sooner than later. I do not know how much longer He will wait but I do know that she is ready to go. As hard as it is to let go and say goodbye, it's even harder to see her like she is now. It would only be out of selfishness to hold onto her now. She will go to a much better place because of the faith she had in her Savior, a place where there is NO Alzheimer's or pain. A place where she will be able to walk and talk again. A place where her son Scott will meet her and they can be together again and wait for us to join them one day too.

I love my mom so much and I miss her so much. Don't take life for granted. Let bygones be bygones. My mom is heavy on my heart these days and it is my prayer that I will be near her when she draws her last breath as she was with me when I drew my first. I love you, Mom!
Do You See What I See?


Daddy's Hand

All I Can Say
David Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet



Owl mama said...

Mindy- You are in my heart and in my prayers tonight... there are no words to express all that this time will bring... but know I love you, I am lifting you before our Father, and that I count it a privilege to know your mom as she was...

Psalm 116:15

shannonfay said...

I love you so much....thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your heart....I am reminded again of what a precious treasure I have in our're an amazing woman, mother, daughter, wife, friend, and I just continue to pray God's strength and mercies to carry you through. You are truly an inspiration, and though I never knew your mom, her legacy lives on in your life, and for that I feel she has blessed me. Keep keepin' you, and it was great seeing you Friday....let's do it again soon.


Greg said...

I saw your post about your mom. I am a New York Times bestselling author working on a new book about mother-daughter relationships and thought you might want to contribute. Please visit my page for details about submitting stories for Mom's Little Angel.

Gregory E. Lang
Author, Daddy’s Little Girl