Friday, February 29, 2008

Ache

I am amazed by the times and places that I have found strength and hope over the past month and a half. Last Saturday I was struggling and having a bad morning. My body is physically recovered and was showing signs of that for which I was not emotionally ready to deal with. Wouldn't you know that later in the day out of the blue a friend called and asked if Peanut and I wanted to go out for supper. She had been one of the many friends to reach out after we lost our baby and was a great source of advice and encouragement. Of all the days for me to be laid on her heart and for her to call, it was perfect timing and what I needed.

On Monday I was feeling fine and after subbing at the preschool for another teacher, I ran to Wal-Mart to get some preschool supplies and groceries. As I was going about my business, I began to hear the cries of a new baby. Then I saw him with his mommy and 2 little siblings wailing. This tiny baby just cried and cried. My heart began to ache and I tried to get far away from the cries but I kept hearing this precious child. So as I was picking out toilet paper the tears came. I stood in the aisle fighting not to break down. I felt silly crying in the toilet paper aisle but I also felt my heart aching. I pulled myself together and finished what I was doing. When I arrived home, I got the mail and inside found a card. We were blessed by so many friends and families sending cards in the days after our loss, but those have obviously slowed down. But here was a card on a day that I truly needed the encouragement of a friend. It was from someone that I have not seen in many months but who wanted us to know that she was thinking of us still and praying. What perfect timing!

It is still very difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that our child is gone. I still find myself "feeling" tiny movements or not sleeping on my stomach or counting the weeks (24 weeks and 4 days) or other things that I should be feeling or doing during these days. Being a Mom, working, helping with my mom, friends, family...these things have all helped to keep me busy and get me back into the routine of life, but there are days when it is all I can do to crawl out of bed and face the day ahead.

I have actually read many testimonies and stories of others' loss on the internet. Reading these helps me remember I am not alone and that others have suffered tremendous loss and are facing the days ahead without a beloved child. I have been very much drawn to a very special blog written by a family who lost their precious daughter just 30 minutes after she was born. She was born with Potter's syndrome. I stumbled upon the blog this week. They are amazing people! Their faith is evident and the knowledge that He is in control of everything even when it seems out of control.

I met with the doctor who did the surgery a few weeks ago. It was actually just a few days after the one month mark. She informed me that the anatomical tests of the baby came back and there seemed to be nothing wrong with the baby in that area. We are waiting on the chromosomal test results now. At that point we will know if it was a boy or girl. I did receive what was some heartbreaking news this week. We can not get a picture from the ultrasound of our child. I was truly clinging to having a picture of this little one. That has been extremely difficult for me to come to terms with. I saw my child on the screen during the ultrasound, with it's legs, arms, spine, fingers and toes. I desperately wanted that picture so I won't forget. I am so afraid of the day when I realize that I do not remember what I saw. Not having that picture means that I only have what is in my heart.

How do you respond to this question: So how many children do you have? I have 2 children, one here and one in Heaven. I feel as though I am dishonoring my child's memory by responding that I only have 1 child but by saying I have 2 would create an awkward sadness. It is something that I have been thinking about in the last few weeks. After our loss I went to get my hair cut for a change that I needed and the beautician asked me when we would think about having another baby (she knows that we have Peanut but did not know we were expecting again and had just lost the child). Not wanting to make her feel bad for me, I said that we would probably try to have another child soon. In that moment though, my heart broke for what I had just said.

I also DREAD June, the whole month. I remember the excitement and anticipation that came July 1, 2006 with Peanut due July 26, 2006. This child was due June 24, 2008. June 1 is going to be hard but June 24 is going to be very difficult.

I am still at a loss. I know I am supposed to "get over this" but how do you get over the death of a child. It feels like a child who I held, loved, and cared for is gone and it is, I just never got to see this child and hold it in my arms. I try to be strong for those around me but there are days when there is no strength whatsoever inside of me.

Again I do not know how I would do this without Peanut. Her pudding faces, tent building, snow playing...they keep me going!
-Mama

5 comments:

mary said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. May you find strength through this difficult time. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Joy said...

Hi sweet pea. I'm so glad to hear that God has used special people to bring you encouragement during this time.
I sure do miss you.
I'm blogging right now about Cora and her Charlotte's Web cawing skills because I want to beat you to it. just kidding!
Love you!! Miss you to-

Watered Spring said...

Oh, I so understand your thoughts!!! I have said with this pregnancy that this is our 7th pregnancy, but Lord-willing our 4th live birth. I have never been able to discount the babies the Lord has chosen to take home. (I too stuggle saying this will be our second boy when really it will be the third boy we know of)I will continue to pray for you and your family in the difficult days/weeks ahead! I pray you will continue to rest in the love and grace of our great God and that He will give you comfort!

the back door said...

hi friend...i'm glad that God laid you on my heart. sometimes i fail to be obedient, but i couldn't shake that i needed to see you. funny b/c i thought it was more for myself!
i understand all of those thoughts as well, i too struggle with the fact that i have 3 children, but am only blessed with 2 here on earth. it is hard to know what to say b/c you don't want people to feel bad for you but you don't want to not acknowledge the one in heaven. i still don't have those answers.
you mentioned not wanting to forget the picture of your baby. we too saw our baby on an ultrasound and were unable to keep a picture, but that picture is still very vivid in my heart - i see it almost every day 4 years later.
and yes, the due dates will be hard, it will be hard for many years...it still is for me. in fact we are approaching what should be the 4th birhtday of our little one!! but the grief does turn into something else i can't quite explain, but there is hope dear friend!!!
i love ya....

shannonfay said...

oh, supermom! hang in there....you are so amazing, and I love you so much! I can echo the thoughts that have already been posted here. I still want to tell people about all three of my babies but, like you said, seldom do because I don't want to create that awkward feeling that is sure to follow. I remember thinking that it would never get easier, but it does, and some days it gets harder again, but eventually you will be able to take joy in the fact that you are a mom of two, and peanut's little brother or sister will never have to experience this world's heartache or cry him/herself to sleep;) Delight in your little peanut, and remind yourself that the well from which you draw your strength from is bottomless. I love you and am praying for you!